Real Treasure
by Random Guise
Summary: Bilbo Baggins escapes from Gollum only to run into some new dwarfs that also seek their fortune underground. I don't own these characters or even a pickaxe.


**A/N: This story takes place after Bilbo escapes from Gollum after winning the riddle contest in The Hobbit.**

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Real Treasure

Bilbo could still hear Gollum alternately calling and cursing behind him down the passage. Even with the ring on he didn't want to risk going back that way; there had to be another way out and back to his companions. He continued to make his way forward; all the passageways seemed the same at this point.

He became aware at about the same time of a dim glow and voices coming from one of the passageways off to his left. He froze against the wall and strained his eyes and ears for clues. The dim light flickered as if it was moving, and the voices were chanting or singing, although he couldn't make out the words. From what he had seen so far, goblins didn't sing, nor dragons; giants and trolls either, when it came to that. Thinking maybe singing was a good sign, he crept closer to see who these new underground citizens were. It wasn't burgling, it more like...scouting ahead.

Just as he got close and could hear them singing some type of "Heigh Ho" song, he slipped on a wet surface and slid down an incline until he was in front of the group. He quickly jumped up and straightened himself to his full height, only to see that these new denizens were not much taller than he. He was tempted to slip his new ring on quickly, but looking over the group he decided it was best not to do so. Best to do it when they weren't looking if it should come to that.

He quickly decided that they were dwarfs, but not of the type that he had accompanied on the journey. They wore brighter clothes, cloth stocking caps, and all save one had a white beard. Each carried a pickaxe in one hand and several carried a lamp. Hanging from their belts was a cloth sack. One wearing glasses spoke up.

"Hello there. You sure don't look like any dwarf I've ever seen."

Bilbo answered back "I'm not a dwarf is why. I'm a hobbit."

"A what?"

"A hobbit. You've never heard of a hobbit before? I come from The Shire, although there are some of us around other places too. My name's Bilbo." Bilbo decided not to let on yet about the quest he was on, and exactly who was with him.

"Bilbo. Haven't heard that name either, or any place called Thashyre. I'm Doc Arex, and these six are my workmates. You don't have a pickaxe I see."

"I'm not here to mine. I was traveling with some friends and got separated. We're on a trip to a place called Lonely Mountain, but we got sidetracked here in Misty Mountain."

"Lonely Mountain and Misty Mountain? Never heard of those places either. This is Mount Pharma you're in right now."

Bilbo noticed a good-sized ruby by Doc's feet. "You dropped one."

Doc looked down. "That? Not worth the bother. We used to mine gems years ago in another place, but we've found something else that makes a lot more money. Real treasure" he said with a grin. He reached down into his sack and pulled out some small assorted shapes. "Here's what we dig for now; prescription drugs."

"Drugs? You mean like medicine?" Bilbo asked.

"Exactly. Snow White Pharmaceuticals, a division of Grimhilde Industries, has hired us to mine for existing and new drugs. See, when you dig them out of the earth they come in different colors, sizes and shapes." Doc thrust his hand under Bilbo's nose, and he could see the differences up close.

"The pills can be found embedded in veins under this mountain. Most of them we know what they are now and bring them back to be sold to the kingdom. Sometimes" he said as he fished out a blue diamond-shaped one "we find a new type that we take back and then test it to see what it does. All of my co-workers have benefited from what we've found down here. Let me introduce you" he said as he pointed to each dwarf in turn: Banish Grump, Merry, Al Lurt, Extrover Ted, Breathe Eazie, and Dopie.

He continued "They all had problems, but thanks to what we mine down here they can lead normal, productive lives. Well, except for Dopie."

"What's wrong with him?"

"He was perfectly normal to start with, so we've been using him as the test subject on any new finds to see what the effects and side effects are. He used to be able to speak, and" he continued under his breath "I think he's lost a few IQ points along the way too. But he's still a great help and partner so we let him come down with us and carry things before he goes back for his important work."

Bilbo was starting to feel uneasy. A hobbit enjoys his food and drink, and maybe a puff of tobacco now and then. They didn't really have much need for medicines and potions.

"Say Bilbo, what medications do you take?" Doc asked suddenly.

"None actually. I'm feeling pretty good" Bilbo assured him.

"Really? Your feet look particularly swollen. Here, let me get you something." Doc started rummaging around in his sack after filling out a little paper with writing that was indecipherable.

"No really, it's quite alright. I have to be going now anyway..."

"You seem nervous and anxious too...got something for that as well. That way you can be normal and productive." Doc said as he continued to look after filling out another paper.

"I'm already normal and productive, at least among hobbits."

"But this will make you normal-er and productive-er. I know it's in here somewhere..."

Bilbo politely coughed as he started to back away. "Thanks for everything, good luck on the mining and all. I have to go find my friends now."

"You sure you don't want something for that cough? Well, tell your friends about us! Maybe we can get them on a group plan and arrange a discount. Take my card..."

But Bilbo had already backed into a passageway and slipped on the ring. I think I prefer dodging dragons and goblins, he thought to himself as he continued his attempt to make it back to his fellow adventurers. Far behind him he could just make out Doc starting to sing "16 Tons".

The End

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 **A/N: I was originally going to do a Hobbit/Snow White crossover with a friend but he decided he wanted to work Bilbo in with Narnia instead, so rather than forget it I decided to come up with another idea for a crossover.**

 **Pharmaceuticals have their place and their uses; but I sure get tired of about two-thirds of the commercials during the local news being for drugs I have to run out to my doctor to ask about. Either that or over the counter remedies. Does this imply only sick people watch the news?**


End file.
